okies for those of you who have been worried... moving is done.. desktop is back up and running at almost 13 times the speed it was... thingies are looking a bit better... and no worries please, I'm not stupid enough to try to kill myself... sometimes I just gotta vent off some steam... besides sometimes the cry for help is all it takes to avoid doing it *giggles*

well it seems that once again, my depression is spiking hard....

seems that no matter what I do around here, its not good enough for my roommate.. trouble is I'm dependent on her till I get out of school... and so I get to suffer while she rants and raves about anything and everything.... thing is I know shes just getting this way because shes not working, shes worrying about everything going on, worrying about bills and shit... but its getting rediculus... dealing with everything all at once.. and if I show the fact that I'm depressed, I'm in the wrong, and end up being made to feel worse, just like showing any emotions around the house, and then people wonder why I tend to break down when I'm out and about away from the house, away from her, away from everything... and people ask me why I'd want to kill myself... live my life, with my disorders, without any help, without any medications, and see how long it takes for the voice to sound pretty damn convincing...

if I could die and not make someone else have to clean up the mess... I probally would.. I'm tired of this life, tired of this exsistance, tired of dealing with all the bullshit, and mostly being tired of being told that I dont seem like I care, I dont seem to give a damn that we are having troubles, tired of getting screamed at for shit that I cant do a damn thing about...

apparently if I show concern I'm wrong, if I dont I'm wrong, if I have emotions I'm wrong, if I dont, I'm being callus. if I'm sick its my own fault, if I sleep I'm in the wrong, if I dont sleep I get sick, and end up getting screamed at even more.. pure and simple I'm tired of it all, I wish I could die... I just cant figure out how to end everything without leaving a mess for someone else to clean up...

another Vday come and gone, here and there, and another vday spent alone, at home, bored and sober... what is it with me, my life, my luck, that says I cant be happy when everyone or anyone else is..... am I supposed to be the one that is always unhappy so all those around me can know what happiness is? I'm seriously starting to think that... aside from not having anyone to spend vday with, I also still have no job... all I do is wake up, go to school, go home, do home work, goto bed, then repeat. no wonder I've gained weight, probally because all I do is stress... stress about school, stress about bills, stress about gaining weight, stress about being stressed, stressed about the fact that I have absolutely no love life to speak of... yeah I'm pretty pathetic at this point I guess...

anyway update on school.. I'm still doing really good at it... got my scheduale done up for spring semister, got 2 electronic courses, an english course, and my first legit programming course... yay me...

Woohooo.... as of today (8/11) I'm not enrolled in school... fully set up to start classes 9/2 starting with Math, and Psyc. figured they'd be a good start...

"Shadows of Eternity always seek each other, never knowing if the feelings are true, never knowing if the feelings are stable, but always feeling a draw to each other. Maybe thats why a Shadow of Time never fits in, but is always accepted. maybe thats why I stand out but still have more friends then I even realize I have till something makes them stand true, and show me just how wrong I truely am."

In search of...

Well its happened, me is going back to school soon... going for a BMET degree if I can do it, it means I'm not stupid.. but so far I havent even passed placement my algebra score was too low (34 out of 106 sorta sucks which is weird.. because Arithimatic, Reading Comp, and Writing were all way high .... so who knows. they are letting me retest next week to see how I do.. so here is hoping...

"Shadows of Eternity always seek each other, never knowing if the feelings are true, never knowing if the feelings are stable, but always feeling a draw to each other. Maybe thats why a Shadow of Time never fits in, but is always accepted. maybe thats why I stand out but still have more friends then I even realize I have till something makes them stand true, and show me just how wrong I truely am."